This is going to be a raw vulnerable post. Without the potty mouthed sense of humour. Because motherhood can be a lonely road. Unfortunately for me, it’s a lonely journey in every aspect I never thought I would face. This has been tough to post but I’ve realised I shouldn’t be scared what people think of me.. this is the precise reason why I began this blog and maybe someone reading this can relate..
Because you are not alone.
Virtually, not alone.
It’s funny to me how virtually you are not forgotten.. friends comment on your social media platforms, include you in their broadcast texts, tag you in things they want you to see.. etc.. It’s like having a completely different world inside a screen. Another dimension where everyone is connected and no one is ever alone. But in the real world, we face battles just to stay really connected to anyone. You don’t want to worry anyone, or talk about it because you don’t want pity. Or maybe you have, but you feel like you’re on repeat because that’s the only thing on your mind. When that emotional and mental relapse happens every so often, you feel numb, because there is no way out. Honestly, how will anyone help you anyway?
That’s how I feel.
Days on end alone, talking to a toddler or baby that can’t hold a brain stimulating conversation back, is lonely. And it’s been amplified due to living across the world from friends, family and everything I know. The clockwork motion of everyday passes by idly and my eyes are sewn open.. I’m just managing to survive the days whilst looking forward to bedtime. And repeat. And repeat. And repeat.
So much enjoyment – i know right. As a stay-at-home mother, everything is dedicated to the kids, around the kids and for the kids. All day. Who are you but your kids mother? Do you still have an identity? They say you won’t remember your life before the kids, but I do..
I miss being anxiety free.
The anxiety of leaving the safety of home is tough. It fools me by dangling empty hope in front of my face when I make plans to go out, just so I cut the string and have that hope plummet down. The thought of the kid running rogue and the baby crying for a breastfeed at an inconvenient time, doesn’t sit well with me. I used to always be in control, but now that’s all gone..
Good quality friendships are hard to come by, but for mothers, they are everything. We see our fair share of friends bailing, partly the reason being.. us not attending those evening meet ups.. hell I can’t even make it to ones during the day. And it means being further behind on the 411.. and further towards invisibility. And there’s no one to blame but myself.
“This represent somewhat of a Catch-22. Most people want to be supported by others, but anxiety makes it harder to meet others, go out, and make friendships… Imagine living with social phobia and knowing that social support is needed to cure social phobia? ” – calmclinic.com
The anxiety that screams to be heard, also wants to be unknown. The need to take a break from the kids, also wants to be with them always. The brain that wants to socialise, also wants to be lonely.
I don’t understand it myself
I wish I could tell you motherhood is all rainbows and dandelions. Maybe for some it is. But for any mum facing anxiety and loneliness.. others like you exist. I exist. And together we can get through it. One humorous blog at a time.
Coping tips, advice or anyone facing this too; your comment would be appreciated 🙂