The 3rd 1st (confused? Good. I’m always confused)

The third offspring is one years old and IM CRYING (on the inside because I got no time to😂). I can’t tell you how the year went because 2020 and covid effed us all over and she’s been in quarantine all her life, in the womb and out! Here’s my breakdown of how it’s been with 3 kids, just in case you wanted me to talk you out of it but you’re doing the third kid anyway 🙃 (I love them really).

Month One

Two words: Deflated and Dead. The only double D’s your man is going to see for a long while😂 .. Whilst the uterus is deflating, especially if you’re breast feeding, IT WILL MURDER YOU FROM THE INSIDE TO MAKE YOU PAY FOR YOUR SINS.. Just cry into the breast pads, hold your breath and hope to pass out and end up back in hospital where the morphine is closer to reach. You’ll definitely need the morphine for the FRESH labour memory and to stab anyone who says “I don’t know how you manage with 3” ..B*TCH IDK EITHER! The other 2 are here somewhere .. #morphineparty

Month Two

You know that chair in your bedroom full of random clothes , well now it’s a mountain 🤦‍♀️ – during feed times, you’re now chucking the iPad and loose sweets from a kids birthday piñata you regrettably attended last year. Messy greasy bun and a biscuit for dinner, is life, but those grandma looking smiles are worth it. Kind of. Until she starts shrieking like a nocturnal bat from hell.

Month Three

You’ve joined the #3amclub online where everyone b*tches about how tired they are. They’re all in a competition that is lead by Karen, who’s leading with 588 months and 2 hours of no sleep. Proper BS like how are you alive tho Karen, but WHAT IS THE PRIZE? 🤔 You might win this as the baby is boob eating and vag stamping and turd producing the night away and you’re up for the school run for the other 2.

Month Four:

You’ve now sold everyone’s soul to technology. Anything that gets the other kids busy. Actually for me at this point, a covid lockdown commenced and suddenly I became an unpaid teacher overnight against my own will. God forbid this ever happens again so yall can be saved because doing e-learning with 3 kids was not a joke.. BUT in the middle of all this your baby sleeps for 5 hours straight. IT’S A MIRACLE! No freezing one tit off at 4am. Mir-ra-cle. Absolute bliss especially if your other half now sleeps with the two older kids to deal with nightmares and sleep walking episodes – whohooo 😅

The following morning is filled with unicorn dust, daisies and a face lift .. That one night off from online shopping cheap stuff from SHEIN has done you wonders!. You actually don’t start the “you did this to me” argument with the husband. Be aware that the niceness might lead to a hug* then it’s only you to blame when it JINXES the rest of your life as sleep never happens again.. you keeping my score Karen😏

*only I didn’t mean hug, if ya know what I mean 😂

Month Five

Teething. Nightmares. Googling. Reading the absolute worse advice. How have you forgotten how to ‘do’ teething when this is your third time?! Get out all the teething toys that are in the toy box or bath somewhere😅 Further Googling leads you to WebMD who tells you your schizophrenic.

You don’t know the half of it WebMD..

Month Six

Half way already and you only just remembered.. how is time flying but not speeding up enough 😭 Must take in these moments, must take more pictures and must call my family more, you’ll say to yourself while scrubbing piss and purée out the rug. Yup. That means weaning has started!- yay! Wrap the kitchen, the baby and your face with Cling Film and stick the end of the Dyson underneath her mouth. Just One more thing to worry about.

Month Seven

It’s been months of not having a life and your starting to actually become schizophrenic talking to 3 breathing brick walls who are your kids. For the older two, Nothing registers in their head these days as discipline has gone out the window.. and the freshly made one obviously got no idea what’s going on.. You attempt to have a Netflix and chill night with the other half but obviously that’s the night the babies sleep regression kicks in and your back Googling how do get through this again🤣 Once the take away you both ordered comes, you realise you’ve forgotten how to use cutlery. And IF you manage to get through a movie with the kids asleep,. As soon as you flop into bed,. The baby will rise😵😂 – Was it worth the “me time”?

Month Eight

No longer can you check your Instagram peacefully while the baby dimwitted sits playing with a rattle and a couple of Pads. It’s moving. It’s yelling. And it bloody well knows what A selfie is.. grr..

Month Nine

You can’t leave the baby in one place. You can’t change a nappy without wrestling and getting poo kicked at your your arms/clothes/soul.

Month Ten

You have NO IDEA what baby food to make anymore nor do you remember what you are not supposed to give a baby. Was it honey and eggs? Ham and vodka?

(Jk jk we don’t drink)

Month Eleven

Anything that straps your child in is useless, especially now that they’re on the go.. you’re torn between helping the kid and being excited for them to walk but at the same time, not wanting it to happen and adding another child to run after on the list. You wonder, did Karen sleep or is she dead?

Month Twelve

You’re where I am. Bawling, “How did my newborn suddenly become a year old?”, as she unlocks your phone, captures you sobbing before uploading it to their own Instagram page, captioned “#mothersobber”. 🤣 .. Nevertheless, your grateful for all the moments good and bad, and thank the lord for the little blessings.

Happy 1st birthday Bubbles; mummy loves you xxxx

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