3rd Pregnancy VS the First Two

Yes. I am pregnant again. And hopefully the last time because the UTERUS IS CLOSING SHOP (and I planned to only have 3 children based around everyone fitting into a car without having to buy a disgusting minibus) – Tactics *smirks*

HOWEVER this is not a smirking matter as I must be psycho for keeping the age gap between my kids the same. Bubba is now 4 years old, Bambi is 2 years old, and this, lets call it Baby, is due on the 3rd of Decemeber. So that’s basically a 2 year gap between all three. Anyway here are some things I’ve learnt about the 3rd in comparison to the other 2:

Baby Announcement

First Pregnancy:

You have prepared for this moment for aaaaages! Been through every google search and Pinterest picture on how to get the PERFECT reaction of you’re amazing news. You frame the ultrasound picture and make sure to shove it in everyone’s faces BECAUSE YOU did that. Everyone’s JEALOUS of the tiny personalised chocolates and baked cookies to announce YOUR SOON TO BE EFFED UTERUS. You’re crying. They’re crying. Everyone’s crying. – Happy tears of course. Your uterus is crying. – unhappy tears of course.

Second Pregnancy:

You’ve seen them Instagram pictures where the sibling announces they will be a big brother or sister, so you HAVE TO jump on the bandwagon, bribe the shiz outta him or her and get one bloody decent picture. No baked shit during this one, a picture sent to the family Whatsaap group works fine.

Third Pregnancy:

You want to do something cute with both kids, but then you remember there isn’t enough Haribos in the world that can make BOTH your kids and your tired self to participate. So its a :’Oh yeah, BTW I’m 5 months pregnant’

***

Peoples Reactions

First Pregnancy:

“NO WAAAAAAY, OMG THIS IS AMAZING NEWS! A little you running around will be SO adorable. Call us anytime and we will offer to change nappies and stay up all night looking after the darling! YOU’VE MADE US SO BROODY! Let’s organise your baby shower right now! AWWW look at that baked bean on the ultrasound * bawling happy tears*

Second Pregnancy:

“OH FINALLY, we were beginning to think you guys only wanted 1 child but s/he NEEDS a sibling!”

Third Pregnancy:

“So was it planned or …”

***

Preparing for Baby

First Pregnancy:

You have bought out Amazon’s baby section with EVERYTHING you can possibly get for baby, every gadget, gizmo and brain enhancing baby toys that plays Moatzart. You know your husbands existance from the house will probably be erased but you NEED his wardrobe space for the emergency kits of Sophie the Giraffes. You’ve read all the pregnancy bible books and KNOW you are going to crush this parenting thing, whilst Tweeting and Instagramming the book cover daily so everyone else knows you are going to crush it too. Contemplating on selling a kidney for ONLY THE PURE AND ORGANIC RANGE OF EVERYTHING does not seem crazy at all. Also baby clothes seem to be an addiction.

Second Pregnancy:

Ok, you realise you went OTT last time but you can reuse most it anyway. You’re perfectly fine with buying the non organic range this time. Chemicals? Who’s that? Does it do the job and can you pick it up from the same aisle as the morphine? .. Rest of the stuff you’ll probably buy second hand from Facebook and just give them a good wash.

Third Pregnancy:

Erm, probably just find the rest of the Jumperoo pieces and wipe down the dust its been gathering and pray that the bent bits still connect to each other.

***
Diet and Exercise

First Pregnancy:

Pregnancy Yoga weekly. Pre-natal breathing techniques, with a bunch of emotional women singing kumbya and belly rubbing. You’ve bought the birthing ball and yoga mat, ready to watch Youtube pregnancy videos. You do allll the walking to get the head engaged, while sipping on cucumber infused water. Lunch and Dinner includes a side of spinach and kale smoothie picked from the organic section at Waitrose.

Second Pregnancy:

Bouncing on the birthing ball and running around after the first child is good enough. Exercise is dancing along to Baby Shark or some other song that the child loves. Diet is typical for a mum with a child, left over food and bread crusts, but overall its pretty healthy food you’re feeding your kid anyway.

Third Pregnancy:

Now with two kids, exercise is whenever you’re on your feet. You haven’t slept in 5 years so you deserve to sit there delaying a nappy change and the other kid sticking stickers from some birthday party goodie bag on the dog, while you stuff your face with chips. Oh and you’re running to pee every 5 minutes because you forgot what Pelvic Floor exercises are and you’re worried a head might pop out your vag in the bloody living room.

***

The main thing that has been a real difference to me this pregnancy is experiencing Lightening Crotch. Yes, its a real thing, google it. It’s when the head of the baby applies pressure on a nerve down there and you get a lovely zap like shock from your poompoom to the rest of your body. Just when you thing third time around you might be a little more experienced, HA dumb shit.

#lighteningcrotch #feelthezap #hahaha

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