Sorry guys I have been MIA for ages on my blog and that’s because an absolute shit-storm occurs when one of the midgets gets a whiff that mummy is doing something other than dying a slow death cleaning human feaces of the floor.
Anyway I am back as Summer holidays have started here in Dubai and Bubba is going to start FS1 in September (how? *sobs*) and you know what, a massive Hi5 to me for surviving another nursery year, picking and dropping, snack and lunch making and remembering his swimming costume every week (minus the 3 times I forgot) – *takes a bow*.
So here is my tips on how to BAWSE at being a nursery mum (because clearly I’m an expert now):
1. Head to Pinterest and look up toddler lunch box ideas and STAB THAT SANDWHICH INTO A “TAJ MAHAL” SHAPE. Hahahha *nervous laugh*, never again. Pinterest mums must have 8 arms. Do not attempt if you only have 2.
2. Present the child into the nursery classroom in actual ironed clothing, his backpack and lunch box with edible contents inside, while you limp behind him, in a stained top amd leggings and a face red and sweaty from chasing the kid into the correct classroom while simontanousley dodging an army of tiny midgets like a sweaty lunatic avoiding landmines.
3. Note down every event day happening in nursery asap. Write it on EVERY calendar, write it on the fridge, your diary, your phone with a terrifying alarm sound, teach it to a talking parrot, post-it note it on your effing forehead to avoid the panic when you’re dodging Spiderman and pink glittery princess looking landmines.
4. Be friendly to the other mums with kids in the same class, in hopes they will like you enough to add you to the class Whatsaap group because you need to know wtf is happening here. Then you’ll notice their Gucci flip flops, Prada sunglasses and full wedding makeup and remember you have cocopops in your messy bun you forgot to shake off, so back away slowly to the nearest evacuation escape route and dash to the only non-Ferarri looking car. Ah Dubai..
5. When you are added to the Whatsaap group, the excitment of knowing some mums who possibily have their nursery shit together PLUNGES TO DEATH as you realise everyone is as clueless as you. Revert back to forehead post-it notes.
6. Buy an effing boat load of plastic waterbottles because Lord knows that approximately 66 bottles WILL break within a year. It’s like the curse of the water bottles where Freddy Krueger is thirsty every night, the way the plastic looks like a crime scene.
7. Different outfits everyday for the school run is SO overated. I deem it acceptable to wear the same outfit 3 days in a row because let’s be real, you’ll change into PJs as soon as you get home anyway.. Besides noones going to look at you in leggings and a 3 year old maternity top when there’s mums in their wedding outfits with stilettos. Why is Dubai so extra😭
8. Blame everything on the second child – in my case, Bambi.
Late to drop off the toddler because u needed a long poo? Sorry, Bambi was playing up.
Forgot to check time and realise you are 15 mins late collecting your son? Sorry, Bambi had a poo/vomit disaster.
It’s not a lie if you don’t time stamp your answers hahaha.
9.. You’ll be so sick of yelling “SHOES! HURRY UP! NO, YOU JUST DID A POO!”, so pre-record your voice (with full anger-passion) and hit play. Works for leaving the soft playarea too. – BAWSE😎
10. Just get the dad to do it.