Things you Learn during the toddler years

  1. You need to anticipate toddler hulk tantrums faster.
  2. And be able to run faster. Much faster.
  3. The guy opening Kinder Egg suprises on YouTube is the only other male voice you’ll hear.
  4. The toddler no longer sits in the buggy, chair, trolley, carseat, bed or toilet.
  5. The bribery levels are off the scale, “mummy will buy you a Bentley when you turn 18, so EAT IT”. (I’m fudged if he actually remembers at 18).
  6. It’s a tough choice between groceries and snacks. Tons and tons of snacks. (bribery reasons).
  7. You’d never thought you’d have “cook” playdough (kids = broke).
  8. No privacy means the cashier will learn mummy is also wearing a nappy. It’s a joyful monthly occasion for toddlers. FML.
  9. You resist the urge to burn all toddler shoes since they can never be found anyway.
  10. No one eats squat, unless it’s on your plate, whereby they are driven by the thought of starving mummy, and eat for Uganda.
  11. Your life is balancing the constant 5% charge on your phone and putting on YouTube to stop the toddler licking the store hangers.
  12. Obsessions to certain things were cute, now you WANT to step on LEGO and die.
  13. Bath time has gone to shit. Your life is now finding ways to wash their hair without wetting it. Or touching it. Or motherfudging looking at it.
  14. You’ll contemplate starting YouTube with videos of you cutting fake fruit because that kid Ryan is making dolllllaar .. but then remember you’d rather sleep.
  15. Turning water to wine is not nearly as an impressive miracle than getting out the house for school on time. Awake. Fully clothed. Without stains.
  16. Soft play is now army training and we are at war with everyone/thing.


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