Potty Training (First Attempts)

It has begun.

Time to sowly start potty training Bubba coz it”s got to be better than fly kicks while changing diarrhoea nappies right? FML.

Does this glamous job of dodging flying shit to the face, ever end? Nope. And now having to aim it into a non-face-like hole is every parents challenge, because obviously it’s not as pleasing to the migits. Also now you have to keep several eyes on the kid as they’re free to shit and wee while walking/eating/breathing.. in public.. sometimes behind the Tele, inside the fridge or in an Uber.. but mostly on your clothes/face/eyes.

Shitting in them tiny pottys in the middle of the living room while your trying to tuck into frozen leftover pasta, just isn’t for me, especially with baby Bambi on the loose. So I’ve startedwith buying aBumbo Toilet Trainer attachment for the normal adult toilet. It’s quite cool actually since I never knew these things existed. It just sits in the toilet seat without budging or sinking but still light enough to carry. I honestly thought for adult toilets, you’d need 50 attachments/adapters, couple of ropes and an inbuilt harness (- such a shame really, could do with that).

So far we have managed to call it a “big bum toilet”, sit down on it aaand.. that’s about it😐.. Yesterday I pulled out all the tricks, weeing sounds, weeing songs, weeing bribery m&m’s jar, a weeing dance (squatting & sweating really) and nothing. Nada. Zilch.

AND THEN. By a miracle. He shat. Just when I took him off the big bum toilet .. Absolutely typical. Followed by him slipping and sitting in his turd, Bambi trying to crawl/eat right through it and me screaming like an ostrich on fire.

Now he won’t bend his knees or sit.

Abandon attempt.

The things I’ve learnt so far from the first potty attempt has been life changing .. heres’s the list for your info really..

1. Celophane the entire bathroom like a brown mans car/sofa/remote control.

Or this cat⤵

2. Do not even think about tieing your hair up mid poop ejecting. Or brushing the hair away from your face with the back of your hand. Why did you brush and detangle it this morning to feel human anyway, you selfish twat .. #stankyhair

3. In the mist of your panic/horror do not grab the wet wipes without looking. Dettol wipes on the kids ass and legs create a Godzilla reponse.

4. Dettol wipes are your bestfriend. (Not when used on a human willy).. you might aswell bankrupt your supermarket with the daily shelf sweeping. Or better yet, cut out the middle man and franchise Dettol out in your living room. (Yo Dettol, get at me. I can be your ambassador!)

5. Your back will break. So will your brain

6. The bog is where you, the 2 kids and the kitten lives now.

7. Asking your kid 7396853 times a day if they need a wee will make you want to rip out your voicebox, speedial a black market anesthetist and staple your vag shut.

The end.

Attempt 2 pending.

With this kit ⤵

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