22 Texts you Shouldn’t Have to Send…

Saltymamas posted a hilarious blog post about the texts they’ve sent each other (read it here) and I can SO relate. As it’s the summer holidays, shit has got real! My brain is in overdrive, my clothes are on backwards, I laughcrydrink on cue and been eating cake everyday, just to numb the senses with fat. It is working -ish.

Here is my list of texts I have legit sent this summer holiday so far; some to the husband, some to my best mates and some to my mum:

1. Can’t do this anymore. He’s legit licking the rug and making horse noises. It’s 11pm.

2. Why are my all breastpads dumped in the bathtub? You had one job…

3. ..and then he said “IT’S A BUCKET!!” but sounded like F*CKIT. Everyone at softplay were mortified ahahaπŸ˜‚

4. Is potty training a necessity tho? He’ll be ready by highschool

5. SHE’S AWAKE. Can you deal. I’m on the bog and Bubba’s watching the poo hit the water

6. The kid just called the Pizza delivery guy “Fat daddy man” πŸ˜‚

7. Icecream counts as a vegtable.

8. Do you remember when we were skinny size 8’s without a disaligned hip and bald patches? Nah me neither

9. He’s kissing the Kiwi again. Pregnant with it and cradling it to sleep. What the hell is going on?

Look:

10. I NEED TO VENT! I’M DYING! THE KID ATE BABY LOTION AND APPARENTLY IT WAS MY FAULT!

11. Then he broke the buttons in the Uber and they guy was tryna show he’s not pissed until Bubba vomited Cheeto chunks behind his seat. I swear he charged me more coz he kept half the change. Wasn’t about to argue πŸ˜‚

12. You need a therapist? I am the therapist and I need a therapist.

13. No way? She can’t be 6 months already?! I would know I pushed her out! Wait is she? Lemme count..

14. We bought a f*ckitball for him.

“A what?”

A basketballπŸ˜‚

15. Just drove through Burger King with my boob out. FML

16. Because I opened her nappy and she shat in a straight liquid horizontal line onto my face so I need you to take her so I can Dettol my existence away.

17. The Teletubbies are real humans in costume right? So how do they breathe and see? I don’t get it..

18. I was right, took 3 black coffees to put my breastmilk on a hype and the kid bouncing off the walls

19. Trap music? Never heard of it… why? Who’s stuck in the music?

20. Was abit too excited to have a grown up conversation with the cashier that a damp patch was growing over a boob πŸ˜‚

21. Sooo had to chop a section of my hair off ..because toddler, hoover and PVA glue.

22. Just had a rave session to Old McDonald had a farm. The farm be LIT.

Ayyyyy

*dab*

Part ll coming when the holidays endπŸ˜‚

#babykiwi

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