I’m sick to death of Bob the sodding train and his alphabet song. So here is my version:
A is for Apocalypse, the state my house is in.
B is for Bedtime, the dramatic time of the day where noone wants to sleep and everyone wants to cry, take a shit and eat the baby lotion mummy keeps hiding.
C is for Colouring, the horrific artwork on the expensive coffee table that just won’t budge!
D is for Dinner, a solid and liquid substance found on the floor under the high chair.. well all over really as we like to run, eat and eject.
E is for Eggs, because you will be named Humpty Dumpty and will never be fixed again. Sorry eggs but he can open the fridge by eating through the duct tape 😢
F is for Facebook, somewhere I go to escape the kids but it backfired because my friend list contains too many snobby parents. Your 2 year old just took a dump in an adult toilet, wiped and flushed? Oh F**** off Susan.
G is for Guessing, because if I don’t guess what the problem is correctly within 0.79 seconds, the migit goes absolutely bat shit crazy.
H is for Hide and seek, where you shall find me eating a Mars bar and breastfeeding behind the curtains. Toddlers are stupid intellectually challenged okay. (Why do I always get left with the peasant chocolate?)
I is for Interested.. well lack off.. if one more person mentions Beyoncé’s twins or God forbid, the Kardashians, I will get my kid to projectile vomit in your face. He does it on queue now. Talk to me about baby feaces and a collapsed pelvic floor muscle. I’m all ears..
J is for Job confusion. I wish I was at one right now because crazy small humans.. but then I don’t wish that because I’ll miss the crazy small humans. Ya know what I mean?
K is for the Koala Snapchat filter because I’m better looking when koala-ing then human-ing. Why can’t I be a cute leaf eating koala without last night pasta in my hair *sobs*
L is for every Lying parenting book that told me motherhood would be counting unicorns, knitting bedsheets and where everyone sleeps on time. None of which ever occured. Yet. (Here’s still hoping..😢)
M is for Mummymummymummy, my activation call, where I bolt and hide.
N is for Noise cancelling headphones. A realisation I made yesterday when I was yelling at Bob the Builder for ignoring the digger crying about the cement overflowing. I need those headphones.
O is for OMG.. because it’s my go to word at the moment when the kids are being hooligans.
P is for Poo. The one word you will see frequently on my browsing history because I am some sort of self educated poop twat on a mission to diagnose baby bowel movements. Will sell the info for a small fee if interested..
Q is for Quiet .. what is that again?
R is for Rumbling of my belly because a full meal is a luxury. I survive off cold half chewed fish fingers and frozen peas.
S is for Scribbles, the ‘artwork’ where the kid got possessed and inked my Prada purse. FML.
T is for the Toberlerone at Poundland UK that I used to ENJOY everyday.. before kids, before a challenged bladder and before my tastebuds packed up and ranaway.
U is for Uniform. THE cutest kiddy outfit.. but a pain in the ass to wash, dry, iron and keep buying. Convinced it’s there to ruin your life.
V is for Voluntary. That’s what looking after kids is without getting paid right..?
W is for Willpower, for not buying a straight jacket yet (click here if interested)
X is for X-factor. In short clips on Youtube with 38583906 pisstaking adverts that is my Friday night.
Y is for Young. At 23 that’s what I thought I was until now everyday I wake up and get smacked in the face with shit (the literal form) and undigested spag bol. . My hips hurts, I’m now hunchback and enjoy bi*ching about terrible beard shaping choices on BBC news reruns with a cup of cold tea containing unknown substances.. I’ve learnt not to give a flying F when I find half eaten Doritos in there..
Z is for Zzzz .. not a word but you know what I mean..