A Trip to Children’s City, Dubai

These scorching summer times in the sandpit means it’s pretty hard to go out often with 2 kids without wishing Jesus himself descended down with a handful of toddler tranquillizer sausages and a memory wiping fidget spinner.

So we took a trip to Children’s City to see the interactive museum, specifically the planets bit because Bubba is obsessed with planets and I figured he could use a treat for not flinging faeces at me for breakfast and to show him off like a horse pony for knowing all the planets AND dwaf planets AND the asteroid belt thing – when I say obsessed I mean obsessed.

Total meltdown on the way there due to traffic, because normally I’d put Youtube on my phone with some kinda planet singing video but I forgot my phone at home 😢😢.. and when that happens, you know it’s going to be a train wreck from here on out.

Walking to the entrance from the outdoor car park was death but we were excited so I guess I didn’t mind the pool of sweat under my melons.. gotta get on with it ey😂. So at the entrance, we paid for parking for each person even though we came in 1 car .. like wth? But who caresss, I could see the long walk to the building because it had fat vinyl of planet Earth across the front.  And bloody hell was that long walk long, especially the entire time trying to point to the vinyl to show Bubba but he’s too busy trying to escape the buggy and eat his way through the straight jacket. Why did I bother?

I then see a helicopter and get wayy too excited, so I try pointing the helicopter out to Bubba about 28 times and he JUST DOESN’T SEE IT. Seriously? Parked his buggy right in front of the helicopter and nothing. Boy I’ma cello tape you to the chopper..

Jesus where are you?

Can you see it on the far right? Can you see the flipping walk? We don’t walk in Dubai okay!

If you can’t spot the helicopter, I’ll pray for you too..

Walked into the building and feeling the cool AC was great until I see there’s another desk with ‘Entrance fee’ written on it. What you mean entrance fee? We did that already at the front kmt. But obviously can’t act ratchet now so just paid the guy and looked forward to let Bubba out the buggy and into the wild.. of course after being harassed by a photographer as soon as we entered. Typical..

As we have never been here before we walked around the ground floor, blindfolded the kid till we got past the soft play area (for obvious reasons), walked past a mini restaurant and we saw a carriage that was pretty cool. No idea about the history or significance of it as there was no information but looked vintage and posh. It could’ve been royalty or something but I’m forcing my kid onto it so I can get a picture, thank you very much.

What red rope?

After a few minutes of realising the museum was upstairs and there are no lifts but a spiral path to walk up, finally got up there to the first museum bit and saw things to do with UAE. The most interesting things was sitting on a dusty moving magic carpet that Bubba thought was hiccuping giant cheese slice, seeing a large LED screen of fishes and walking a plank as if you were walking on top of Burj Khalifa. Pretty poorly designed, had a backdrop of clouds, a picture of clouds below you, a fan in front of you and a slab of wood to walk on.. so realistic. But we LOVED it because of the fan.. 😁

Moving on from there, back up the spiral, we then go inside another section of in The Human body and there’s a fat set of teeth as soon as you walk in and that really must have pissed off no-teeth Bambi because she BELTED her cries and nothing could calm her down. So daddy and Bubba continued with the exploring while I went to the bathroom to change her nappy, which of course was miles away and I was trying to avoid all eye contact with passerbys giving me that judgey-control-your-child look. Get there, breastfeed to calm her down first but no AC. WHY IS THERE NEVER AC OR AN EFFING FAN IN THE TOILETS? For a country always boasting about it’s luxuries, get some ACs in the damn toilets!  So she’s still crying, I’m sweating so much my entire body might as well be crying..

5 hours later  (ok maybe 5 minutes), she cried herself to sleep and I legged it. Caught daddy and Bubba before they went up the spiral to the planet section. Got there with suuuuuch enthusiasm and it ended up being dead. The walls where painted with the planets but I mean I could that myself at home. There was this really cool section with an interactive globe where you can select areas of the planet and it shows up on a screen in front of you. I was thinking YASSSSS TOMORROW LAND IN THIS B*&%# but it was stuck on Pakistan and refused to work. So that was a buzz-kill, staring at a herd of weird cows. There was another interactive globe where it can project the weather condition you set on the monitor. Again, buzz-kill. I needed snow to explode from it for me to give it a thumbs up..

The BEST part of this Children’s City was a planet viewing room. It’s like a cinema but the seats are facing upwards and the screen was on the ceiling in an inward sphere like structure. I was so excited to experience the great solar system all around me. It was my first time but I’ve seen it plenty of times in the movies.. Am I famous now? .. and as everything good was ruined, this was the same. It wasn’t the solar system that began playing, but some polar bear in Antarctica trying to catch a fish and talking to a penguin. A 2 year old not getting what we promised him meant he was not having it. Now imagine trying to watch a movie with a hooligan singing “Wheels On the Bus” whilst you’re dangling a possessed toddler, ankle first, while another 60cm human is yelling at the naked polar bear. Yes I am that hooligan.

After that ordeal, we were starving. Who needs ‘exercise’ right? Try chasing around an angry migit determind to take a shit on the floor. Exercise.

So went to the restaurant I mentioned earlier and the food wasn’t too bad.. for a 2 year old. My chicken burger came deconstructed and unseasoned! At least they gave the salt and pepper sachets with it but they should’ve just served the grill on the table and told us to cook it ourselves. THAT would’ve been an awesome experience, like the posh Japanese places.

Soon as the kid was done, I legged it to the car. Obviously nowwww he sees the blasted helicopter and fractures my ribcage and runs. Lorrrrrd have mercy.

F IT.

I grabbed Bambi’s buggy and ran.

Not my problem now..

Mwahahaha

#daddyyoursonsgonecray

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