Second time around things are a lot different. The main difference is I had to change my entire peaceful life for the first, and the second one .. well she’s come into the shitstorm also called my house. Because these kids shit real storms 😐 get it? Get it?
Here is my handy list of comparisons for you to deserve to down shots to..
Guest’s are coming!
First baby: They’re coming over to visit the beautiful baby you freshly whipped out your wobbler.. so you start cleaning the house and air freshening every corner.. you organise the snacks/desserts into those cute bowls and get them “guest only” tea cups out.. before you know it, its a full blown afternoon tea party and you’re bathing in the compliments and responding “oh it was nothing” .. *bosswoman hairflip*
Second baby: you don’t own a airfresher so you burn some paper because anything smells better at this point.. cleaning? Pfft, your using babywipes to clean the chocolate milk stains out the rug that the toddler regurgitated the week before because he just wont drink his MOTHER FLIPPING MILK!! .. just as the guests sit down, both toddler and baby do an explosive shit each and both are scream/bawling. *do a shot*.
Documenting the baby
First baby: You take daily pictures of your avocado growing. Then 80 pictures a day of the baby, in different outfits, in different positions, in them snazzy backgrounds marking every week number he reaches and using them to update your WhatsApp profile pic hourly, because helloooo someones gotta see the cute outfits! And that Peter Rabbit book contains your entire autobiography- in gold gel pen ink.
Second baby: The toddler owns your phone so no pictures but his toes allowed.. the cute background is your overflowing laundry and the first kids baby pics can pass off as the second kids ones so whats the point anyway? Gifted another Peter Rabbit baby book? Keep that sodding thing wrapped ready to give it to the next mate who pops a baby because no way your reliving writing about another birthstory. *shot*.
First baby: you actually clean, tidy, do laundry, iron and have time to binge watch ‘Breaking Bad’.
Second baby: you’ve resorted to paper plates to avoid washing but walking out to dump the trash is an ordeal. *shot*. Laundry is spraying Fabreeze on them and forget ironing.. cooking meth looks easy mate, spend a day in my house Heisenberg. I’ll drink to that *shot*.
Night time issues
First baby: involves feeding, rocking, desperately Googling “why won’t my baby sleep?” and reading every single answer on Netmums about fingers falling off, then panicking, crying, pleading, barganing to God, some more rocking and then it’s morning.
Every. Single. Night.
Second baby: You’ve learnt to use concealer like a pro as you don’t sleep.. EF it, your bags are just part of your face now.. A good night is micro-napping while swatting beside the crib with headphones in because let’s face it, Google chats shit, God aint listening and laying down is an effing luxury. Agree? *shot*
Buying baby items
First baby: you buy everything. Every baby related item, every sensory toy, every gadget, the best baby monitors, every non-colic bottle, different strollers..etc.. basically it looks like Amazon took a shit in your living room and now you’re using them as your dining table.. or the cat’s pissing in it..
Second baby: Who’s Amazon? Also you can’t find the cat. *shot*.
Getting out the house
First baby: you wheel around a suitcase at your local park because you can never be too prepared!
Second baby: Sod it all! Grab a mini straight jacket and your iPad and legggo. *shots shots shots*
Disclaimer: no babies where harmed in the making of this. Shots for me are orange juice.. Never been so healthy.. #drinkingfortwo .. But could mean any drink for you.. you know the type that numbs your face/soul.