Expat Mama in Dubai: 20 things noone tells you

Have you wondered what it’s like to live in Dubai? Maybe you’re thinking of moving out here or maybe you already live here.. here’s a list of 20 facts noone tells you, or for us expats, facts we learnt the hard way! ..

1. Speaking English is useless. Everyone important can’t understand you, nor can you understand them. Even IF you find someone that does, their accent completely throws you and now you’re at risk of going blind from agressive hand gesturing… that is if you’re not already from flying lego pieces..

2. Your diet consists solely of pizza. Nothing reheatable in the fridge? Pizza. It’s too hot/tiring to cook? Pizza. Overwhelmed with the many food choices at the food court? Pizza. Too broke for real food? Pizza… The doorbell gets your kid excited because magic uncle delivers triangles. No not the pizza slice triangle, the plastic mini-tripod-weapon of a triangle that hurts like a MF  when stepped on.

Me.

3. There is no point getting in the car between 8am-4pm and 4pm-8pm. Traffic is slower than a death in an indian movie (And thats effing forever).. round of Rock, Paper, Scissors anyone?

4. If you love summer and the heat, you wont anymore. Noone likes the heat here… heat + kids = godzilla

5. Driving should be called ‘Dodging’.

6. Missing an exit or taking a wrong turn is emotional suicide. An added 40 minutes to your journey, 6 ring roads, 3 road construction divertions, 1 road block and mascara dripping down your clevage later.. you’re still not at your destination.. F.M.L. .. lets not get into the kiddie tantrums or the biscuit crumbs being thrown around like confetti..

7. You look forward to Thursday.. (Incase you didn’t know, Friday and Saturday is the weekend).. aka the kids in pjs all day, eating pizza off the floor and demanding your undivided attention..

8. BUT you always forget Sunday is not a weekend… Nothings ironed. Lunchbox unmade. Shoes missing. Knickers on backwards. You are late. Every time.. 

9. Everyone assumes you’re rich because you live in Dubai.. yup we’re walking a potty trained cheetah on a leash instead of a shitting toddler.. (literally shitting) ..

10. Any car not 50 karat gold plated, diamond encrusted or floating in the air, is not worthy of a second look .. look at us acting smug because we’ve seen all the sport car thingys..

11. Navigating around Dubai Mall is like mastering a life skill.. or just avoid it when u got kids.. aint no body got time fo dat..

12. Walking any distance outside is ridiculous.

13. Number plates cost more than your whole life.

14. In summer it’s too hot to move. Or chew. Or breathe. 

15. Paying rent in 1 or 2 or 3 cheques is effing insaaaane. Why damn it? Why? .. 

16. Tall. Buildings. Everywhere.. Construction. Cranes. Everywhere.. 

17. Rain here is a mini disaster

18. There is no proper address system. Instead we have whatsapp location and using the nearest landmark to explain where you are.. 

19. “I can see Burj Khalifa” is NOT a reliable nearest landmark.. we can ALL see the Burj Khalifa!

20. Sandstorms are designed to make you go blind and destroy your life.

That is all.

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