Being a first time owner of a toddler, here are some things I have learnt. For any parent entering toddlerhood, here’s the lowdown…
1. You don’t own them. They own you. Fullstop. Period. Move along .. *sobs*
2. You don’t need your smart phone right? That’s great! because you’ll be paying monthly to be locked out of it for the entire day and have a gallery full of half face selfies and tiny toes..
Attempting to check your messages WILL result in a tantrum.. I’m just sayin’…
3. The days of your little angel eating whatever you put infront of them are over. OVER I tell you. Why? Because now they’ve started noticing the vegetables.
“Secretly blend them in!” You might say..
“They’ll never notice” you might add..
Nopeee, these toddlers can SMELL your fear when you place that plate of food infront of them… and now they’re littering the floor with the food you slaved away trying to grate carrots secretly into.
Sooooo your at the chicken nuggets-for-everything stage now.
4. This means eating in a highchair is getting boring, if they can’t hurl half chewed secret veg pasta on the floor, while you cry. Nope, much rather eat in the living room. Jumping along to Mickey Mouse. On the expensive sofa set you bought before you had kids and swore you would move it elsewear and get a cheaper one in future, until you realised raising a migit eats up your finance and noones got time or courage to go sofa shopping.. oh the joys..
5. They have learnt to turn the bath taps on and open doors. So now you’re fishing for the keys, to lock the doors, that you stored in a
forgotten safe place. Getting up and running after the kid every 2 minutes is too much of a workout, so find dem keys mama!
6. They will not sit in the buggy AT ALL and if you force them, well they’ve learn how to unbuckle now so you’re screwed.. ohh yes.. instead they would rather push it, zig zagged, while ramming into other people’s backsides. Because forever saying sorry and getting to places on time/sweat-free/without fearing death, is just what we need.
7. If they’re not pushing the buggy, they’re doing everything you wish they didn’t.. firstly not being in the actual pushchair ofcourse, not holding your hand, not acknowledging your existance when you call their name repeatedly like a broken record.. and tying to use them harnesses will result in floor tantrums and injury to both you and them.
8. All nice things in your house are broken/dead/moved to a ‘safe’ out of reach location.. and in attempt to seem like you got your shit together when someone visits, you tidy up best you can and get the decor out thinking you are allowed to have a pretty dining table to show off just once in life… just to end up fighting your kid from climbing the chairs and breaking shit, while sweating and trying to respond to your guest’s several questions over the screeching tantrum.
F@&k it. Can’t do this shit. Go home now please.
9. They’ve learnt; poking your eyes, pulling your hair, karate kicking your belly, punching your tit and kicking your shin, makes you cry. And they love it.
10. The days of trying to escape to the loo via a pitstop to the kitchen to grab a Snickers bar just got worse. No distraction method will work because they just KNOW your about to attempt a room exit and they gonna escape too, but run in the opposite direction. Which results in you carrying them to the loo (Snicker bar-less).
Now you’re trying to pee, while they’re holding you and crying for biscuits.
But that glass of non alcoholic (or alcoholic) wine gonna taste SOO GOOD!! when the kid falls asleep.. eventually..
Basically; #youownjackshit #gohomenowplease