In short, I didn’t.
Now that it’s winter in Dubai, I’ve been wondering to myself, how the hell did I survive the summer here?!
This was my first summer in Dubai and not only was the temperature hitting a dreadful 45+ degrees, but surviving it with a walking migit, is just the kind of shit I didn’t prepare for. Every expat friend I made literally disappeared to their previous hometown, for like 4 months, because temperatures are MUCH cooler than this scorching sandpit, obviously. So surviving with some sanity become pretty tough, especially with bubba being into a must-break-everything-I-touch-for-exploration-purposes stage.
But theres so many things to do in Dubai, you may yell. But exactly what things can you do with a hyper kid without paying 5726485 aed in damage whilst roaming around the neverending malls..?
But it isn’t the actually being out part that drives me pots, but the preparing to go out ..whiiich goes something like this:
It’s a bright sunny day (type that makes one eye blind) and I decide, hey, let’s go out and take bubba to the aquarium to see the real life Finding Nemo cast and it is good quality family time (and there’s industrial air conditioning so we all know the real reason why I’m going). First things first, pack the baby bag with extra everything including 3 outfit changes because with my luck, the monster will shit more than usual and throw a tantrum. They say ‘terrible twos’ is when the tantrums start.. bollocks. Absolute bollocks. This kid of mine has been tantruming since 11 months, like falling face flat on the floor while kicking and crying. Like them hooligans you see on Supernanny – yes it is that bad. Ok next, need to grab snacks, milk, juice pouches, toys and a straight jacket (I wish), all while lugging the monkey off my hip and screaming “we’re going on a bear hunt, we’re gonna catch a big one, I’m not scaredddddd”. In reality though, I’m shitting it.
I learnt the hard way to NEVER go into a vehicle that has not had the AC running for at least 15 minutes. So foolish of me! I think I burnt bumcheek holes into several trousers of mine and blamed the maid for shit ironing skills – oops. If however you’re confident like Regina George with a highschool that would wear buttcheekless trousers, I wouldn’t give a shit, extra air ventilation for your ass – who doesn’t want that! But for chunky thighs like myself, shredding the inner thighs of your trousers and strategically planning which trousers will be collateral damage and which ones took too long to mould into my shape to send to die for the cause, more damage is not needed! All this whilst trying to entertain the kid in the car seat with animal sounds and a nappy to chew on while we wait for the husband to get off the phone and drive. Oh the joy.
Humidity at nearly 100% and taming hair was annoying! Survival means tieing hair up with 5 elastic hairbands (incase any pop from expansion or lazer sun rays) and forget about it. As for makeup, I don’t know how people managed to keep their makeup on fleek cause with all the waterproof shit and setting sprays from damn Sephora, I still looked like a demented scene kid who got kicked in the vajayjay.
Let’s not get into the showering sweat stages, where no antishittyperspirant helps. Maybe it’s not too bad if you’re dressed practically naked (yes there are people in dubai that dress in vests and shorts, it’s really not that military here), but for me, I can’t bare to show any inch of this flubber I carry around. Literally only a few weeks ago I managed to leave the house with a cap sleeve top on and for me that’s something. But I did find a solution, baby wipe mini showers in the car before tackling a aquarium. Thank gad for tinted windows. I suppose I could’ve acted like I just went diving with the sharks and had raved about having the best experience ever, until you got too close that is..😂
Don’t pray for a cool breeze for relief either cause that’s the equivalent to pouring fine sand infront of a hairdryer blowing 100 degrees directly at your face. Luckily it doesn’t last long since you’re running in and out of an air conned car to an air conned mall. Which in fact made me feel ill jumping from hot to coolish warm. Well I didn’t find the AC malls cool enough, sooooo perfect excuse to scoff down several buckets of icecreams me thinks.
So anyway, get to the aquarium and turns out the kid is fast asleep in the buggy, the husbands gone somewhere taking an “important phone call” and I’m watching the fishes just keep swimming.
Ahh motherhood.. ☺