Nursery Rhyme Nightmares

Like nearly every mother of a little one, I too sing nursery rhymes every damn day. I know they’re supposed to be good at aiding speech and language skills and how to clap along to ‘wind the bobbin up’, but really I think the main use is to calm/distract kids.

But if you REALLY think about nursery rhymes, they’re actually quite sinister tales and makes you question who the hell invented these? Seriously:

The five little ducks go missing one by one. Where are they going so far away and then not listening to their mother calling them back? Brats.

Humpty Dumpty is un-fixable, clearly because he is an egg and why are horses trying to fix him back up? 

Jack and Jill have balance issues. Is it because they’re dehydrated and walked miles to get some water from a well? Did Jack break his crown as in his skull? And then putting vinegar on his head would stinggggg like a b… Doesn’t end well (pun intended).

Pouring rain made an old man bump his head who probably suffered a serious concussion due to not being able to wake up in the morning.

Little Bo Peep’s sheep are probably being hunted and eaten for dinner. 

Ring a Ring o’Roses is a great way to remember the London plague and death by sneezing. Just looking at the book cover from 1922 is a nightmare.

Explains why Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall with that evil face, someone probs pushed him and now we know Bo Peep don’t give a shite about them sheep.

London bridge fell down.

Little Miss Muffet hates spiders.

Rock a bye baby is a) in a cradle in a TREE?!, b) without protection from the wind, c) noone realised tree tops are not stable?!, d) baby falls with cradle and all. That’s some child endangerment right there!

Old Mother Hubbard and her dog are starving because her cupboards are bare. The actual full version is scary (click here). She might be a lonely delusional/schizophrenic that needs help.

Sing a Song of Sixpence ends with a blackbird pecking off a maids nose. Serves her right for shoving them in pies.

The knave stole Queen of Heart’s tarts and then got battered by the King.

Does the 5 second rule count here? Or is she gonna bake some more? Unclear!

The old lady who lived in a shoe has financial problems and a temper. Definitely not fit to have all those children. Social services where you at?

Why Johnny Flynn, did you put your cat in a well? Evil git.

Why does noone know how Mary’s garden grows? (I remember learning in A Level English Literature that the garden is Queen ‘Bloody’ Mary’s graveyard of tortured souls -lovely).

Poor 3 blind mice had their tails cut off with a carving knife😐 (This is also based on Queen ‘Bloody’ Mary killing 3 noble men).

Sweet dreams kids.

Well at least it’s not all gloom and doom; Twinkle still shines like a diamond, Ba Ba shares his wool equally and Old MacDonald’s farm animals seem nice and healthy. 

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Minny says:

    Loved it! This is some A grade English Language/Literature analysing going on 😂😂👌🏼

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Amy says:

    Brilliant!

    Like

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