The Labour Story

Many mums and especially pregnant women always want to know how my labour went, so here’s the post that will be my handy go to next time anyone asks.

So let’s start at 38 weeks pregnant, where I was a huge uncomfortable balloon and I just wanted the bloody baby out already.. I drank all the teas, raspberry leaf, nettle leaf .. you name it, nothing happened. I poured the most spicy chilli sauce I could find over my chicken burgers (about 6 a day), still nothing (not including the 508362 hours of indigestion, burping fire and pissing toxic chemicals).


This sauce, in case you were wondering

I was doing everything from running up and down hills to popping primrose oil capsules up my vag. But woe behold, dancing and bouncing on a gym ball like a lunatic to Eminem’s The Real Slim Shady made something happen!

Now let me tell you and I’m sure every mother that’s given birth to their first child has experienced, NOT KNOWING WHEN THE F YOU’RE GOING IN TO LABOUR. Like why is there no actual USEFUL information anywhere? Everytime I ring the midwife, she fogs me off with
“your ab muscles will tighten”
“All my shitty maternity tops feel tight, will I even know the difference?!”

“it will come every 5 minutes”
“What if 5 minutes apart IS CUTTING IT TOO CLOSE?!”

“Don’t worry you will know when you’re in labour”.
“What if I don’t bit*h, what if when I’m weeding the front driveway and a head sticks out and everyone waiting for the effing bus takes a look?!”.

She laughed.
I cried.
Mainly because I was still clueless. And worried. And scared. And hormonal. And fat. And watching One Born Every Minute. And eating them spicy chicken burgers.
(True story)

So because I was still unsure because the pain was intense but kept varying from 8 minutes apart to 20 minutes, I decided go into hospital and chat crap that I think my water broke, tbh with the whole mucus plug stuff, I didn’t have the faintest clue. So they shoved me on a monitor to check baby’s heart rate and later took my urine. Sounds harmless right? Hell no, the psychological damage of 4 women screaming like an exorcism was taking place, 1’s pissing blood, 2 are hurling vomit in the nearby sinks and a family eating what spelt like fish and egg curry drawn behind the bed curtains. To top it off, my other half left me to eat. Thanks babe.

Anyway everything looked fine and so I asked a nurse to check if anythings happening down there, and she confirmed I was 1cm dilated. 1CM?! I was so pissed and the nurse tried cracking a joke by telling me I will be back to give birth within her 10 hour shift, so she’ll see me soon. Pissed me off more that she’s getting my hopes up when in fact 1cm means F all. But guess what, I came in 8 hours later to give birth LOLšŸ˜‚.

How did I figure out I was going into labour, you may ask. Well first of all, I had no intense stomach ab tightening and secondly, I was walking around my bedroom listening to Moroccan music on YouTube, so actually I still didn’t have a clue. BUT I downloaded an app that records the length and frequency of my intense period pain feeling that was showing they were coming every 7 minutes and I decided to go to the hospital and get checked. After what felt like months, I got given a room and checked out to be only 4cm dilated. Now normally if you’re not 5cm yet, you get sent home but luckily they let me stay.

As the contractions got worse and worse, I was a champ and breathed through them while having a conversation with the nurse about the time I broke my leg into a trillion pieces (not exaggerating here but I’ll save that for another post). It was 11pm when I finally got to 5cm and boy was it painful! I was however gritting through the pain listening to music and dutty whining on a birthing ball. Gas & air made me sick, no other meds was available till I was further along, so I was stuck sipping Lucozade energy drinks while my other half was eating a beautiful Subway roll. I swear all he does is eat šŸ˜‚.

I had to wait till 4am to be checked and see if I can have an epidural because I was bawling for one. The nurse kept lying and telling me the anaesthetist was on his way but I knew it was BS so just asked for a paracetamol, which was USELESS! Finally at 4am I was fully dilated, yes I thought, not much longer, 1-2 hours tops.

Yeah that never happened.

I was given the opportunity to go into the birthing pool and I swear it was the BEST FEELING EVER! The warm floating feeling meant I was sleeping in between my contractions/verbally abusing my husbandšŸ˜ƒ. Until I got to see a mini cloudy explosion happen, shit went down. The baby’s heart rate was dropping and I had to come out the water, which was horrible because I felt heavy again, and the remaining amniotic sac was poked with a some sort of pole. I hated the feeling so ran back into the warm pool and started pushing what seemed like a watermelon on steroids.

At 7.30am I had to be taken out because of the heart rate again, and was taken to a room to give birth since I was pushing. At this point, my other half informed his parents I am in labour but we didn’t tell my parents because well they’re just too dramatic. I was so tired that my pushing wasn’t strong enough… A lot of pathetic pushing, screaming and 4 midwifes encouraging me for 2 hours later, I gave birth at 9.30am and the first thing the kid did is shit all over me. Lovely greeting.

I thought it was all over until my placenta refused to budge even after 2 injections. An hour of pulling the cord and pushing, it got serious and I was told I may need to go into theatre to cut me open. All I was thinking about at this stage was pizza (don’t even ask). But instead anĀ anaesthetist came and shoved his hand up there and ordered me to push while he yanked it out. Sounds horrid but at least it was out.

As the extra midwifes and theĀ anaesthetist left the room, our family of paparazzi’s were itching to catch the door open and sprint in. It seriously was that bad. After cleaning my upper half up with baby wipes and putting on new pyjamas, they all came in to see who the baby looks like, forget about me.

At around 1pm the same day, I went and had a shower and at 5pm got discharged home. Didn’t get a wink of sleep after the birth like I originally mentally planned when in the birthing pool. It’s crazy how out of nowhere in the end I got a quick burst of energy and gave birth naturally and how that same feeling was still present. Just a bit more sore and slow. Also guys, I didn’t tear or anything because them primrose oil capsules gave my muscles more elasticity! Came in use for something after all. Walking after giving birth is the most shittest experience ever. Your back gets used to dealing with a heavy fetus so when it’s out, it felt like my spin will break in half any moment. I felt like a jelly and I don’t even like jelly. Like who even likes food wobbling in your gobšŸ˜·.

Basic must-have: contraction timer app, primrose oil capsules and a shit load of pizza to recover.


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