10 Things First Time Mum’s Learn

  1. There is no such thing as a ‘good night’s sleep’. Even in my sleep, I dream the little monkey is climbing in the oven (which in fact he tries to do in real life!)
  2. When you’re about to dig into a hot plate of food, the baby decides to soil himself and MAKES SURE YOU KNOW IT… By the time you’re done cleaning, changing, wiping and crying.. food’s cold. Every time.
  3. Every WhatsApp conversation with a friend is her claiming she wants a baby now, but doesn’t want a man or to go through labour, then asks about your experience and when you give her your damn experience, she then says “Don’t put me off having kids”. WHY?
  4. Having a shower is impossible. Can’t have it when the baby’s asleep without fearing you wont hear the crying, can’t have it when the baby’s awake because where the heckndo you put him? Serious life dilemma. (If you have people living with you who can help, then I envy you.)
  5. Leggings and maternity wear tops are STILL what you wear and for special occasions, chuck on an oversized jacket.
  6. The living room is coordinated around the jumperoo (aka neglectaroo) because the kid needs front row view of Peppa-the-pig. On repeat.
  7. Joining facebook mummy groups to ask for advice on how ur babys feaces are supposed to look. And having no shame.
  8. Having your hair in a high bun 24/7 or risk it being yanked, chewed or sucked.
  9. Permanently walking with your right hip sticking out and realising how useless it is trying to do everything with one hand.  Why God didn’t give us women 3 arms baffles me.
  10. And finally, your ONLY conversation with your husband are a series of disappointing sighs and rapid eye movements that say “when are you going to ask them to leave?”

    Lovely I know xo


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